If you can't change the world, change yourself

"Hope is the fuel of progress and fear is the prison in which you put yourself"
- Tony Benn

If the election result on May 7th left you feeling disillusioned, downtrodden, defeated and any other word beginning with ‘D’ that you can think of then…don’t despair! There is hope. And hope is a word that doesn’t begin with ‘D’.

What struck me about the election campaign was that it was very much driven by a culture of fear. The Conservatives peddled a very effective fear mongering warning regarding Labour’s potential management of the economy and any likely deal they may have to do with the SNP to gain power. This fear drove moderate voters in key English marginals away from Labour and into the arms of the far right UKIP, in some cases, and the Tories themselves, in others, splitting their vote in the process. Additionally, the Liberal Democrats took a huge electoral bashing, seemingly punished disproportionately for daring to get in Bed with the Conservatives in a 2010 Coalition arrangement.

But this post isn’t about politics as such. We know the reasons for the election result very well by now. They have been discussed and dissected (there goes the ‘D’ words again!) at great length in the media. If anything is more clear, it is that a vast number of people vote with their own interests at heart. I was taught this in my A Level Politics course many years ago. The primary question they ask themselves is: “Do I feel better off now than I was 5 years ago?”. If the answer is yes, or even if they feel the same, they will be reluctant to vote to remove the incumbent government. If the answer is a fundamental no and they are in fact much worse off, then they are more likely to change their vote. But there are, of course, qualifying factors to this. It isn’t quite so simple as to boil everything down to one economic equation. The follow up question may be: “Do I believe the opposition party will help improve my standard of living?” In other words, can they be trusted with the economy and, can they be trusted full stop?

Herein, lies the problem. We are firmly immersed in a politics - and a society - of selfishness. We strive to hang on to our economic gains and get nervous about any threats to that sense of social and economic mobility. Fear of the abstract monsters of immigration, the EU and “benefit scroungers” are leapt on by political parties to both manage the status quo and attempt to disrupt it.

Why does fear and selfishness take such starring roles on the stage of our daily lives?

The answer is, they don’t have to. At all. When I refer to ‘We’ above, I am not naturally talking about everyone. I am referring to the silent middle class majority who are not necessarily politically active but choose to make their feelings clearly known when it matters most - at the ballot box.

We have a very real choice in this country and in other countries around the world. We can change this status quo. We can change ourselves, our attitudes and our goals. We can form communities of like minded people who actually care about each other, the environment and, gosh, being compassionate to each other. That would be pretty radical eh? Not really. Some might say it’s in line with our natural human values and how we should be behaving, it’s just that our technologically saturated and over privileged society has marginalised us into a disparate and fractured bunch, increasingly wary of our neighbours instead of genuinely concerned for their welfare.

In pockets of the UK, people are already beginning to choose another way that is against the grain and in line with ideas of compassion, cooperation and kindness. We have a choice as to how we vote and the things that matter to us. You may well be economically better off than you were 5 years ago and you might feel that the Tories help protect that wealth, but what if you got sick or became disabled and reliant on welfare? Would you feel safe and content knowing that your access to benefits could be affected by government austerity cuts?

I want to move towards a world where small, active community groups share knowledge, skills and resources. The more we work with each other the better off we are - our mental health and feeling of well being begins to expand and we gain that important sense of meaning that a lot of people seek in their lives.

A great man once said (Matt Johnson of The The): If you can’t change the world, change yourself. You alone have that power.

The Whole of our Soul

Many of us, at some point in lives, will question the meaning of our own existence. And whether this questioning takes a spiritual or more rational form, there's no doubt that this is a natural human curiosity. Sometimes, you catch yourself in a moment of quietness or self-reflection asking the question: What am I supposed to be doing?

I noticed myself doing this recently. Suddenly, it seemed like the colour drained out of all the usual things I found interesting that filled my time. It was as if the point or the meaning of them became lost and, instead, they were replaced by a kind of radio interference that was begging me to fiddle with the dial and find the right frequency so I could hear the message underneath.

I'm still in that void, that place of shadows where time has slowed down and the days don't seem to hang together properly. My mind is either empty or full of the detuned radio chaos. I can't help but think I need a tool to tune this radio. A simple hand gesture isn't going to cut it.

And it got me thinking: How do we solve the riddle of our own existence?

The trick is to look inside. In our culture, there is a tendency to think that we can solve our problems in the external reality - the voices of the world. We live in a society that reveres logical, rational thinking and the science of progress. After all, we have created many great tools and gadgets to solve our problems and answer the question of: How can we make our lives easier?

But what about the great question of existence? Technology is not asking how it can solve that question so there is no way it can provide an adequate answer. So we have to be brave and walk into the dark places, the areas inside ourselves which define our history, our ego, our self and our being. We have to take a walk through the whole of our soul and learn to be comfortable with our own complex characters.

This is a difficult thing for a lot of westerners to comprehend. They dismiss self-reflection and self-examination as futile or package it up into a neat course of therapy or psychoanalysis when really there is no better person to explore who you are than you yourself.

Something tells me that my crisis is calling me to make that journey and that discovery right now. My life has reached a point and a place where I need to really find out a little more about who I am.

I might not like the answers but, if I don't take a look, then I'll never really know.

And that would be a tragedy.

Birdman: The Unexpected Triumph of Myth and Magic Realism

*WARNING* - This blog post contains minor spoilers for the movie Birdman, so if you haven't watched it yet and don't want to be spoiled, stop reading now.

I had forgotten how art could surprise me. Maybe because I had gotten out of the habit of being open to surprise. My first surprising revelation whilst watching Birdman, was how much I enjoyed the very unsubtle dig at the Superhero franchise machine. After all, I am myself a recent convert to these bombastic, ludicrously flashy triumphs of style over substance that are The Superhero Movie. I sat and watched all three Iron Man movies over a weekend recently whilst getting over an illness and found myself transfixed yet unable to understand why. They are, after all, for want of a better phrase: vapid nonsense and yet I still can't quite put my finger on why I like watching them. Maybe it's because, as Joseph Campbell points out, they speak to us on an inner level, raising the promise of our own potential and the superhero that lies in all of us.

In the movie Birdman, Michael Keaton is a washed up actor whose career up until the point we discover him, has been defined by playing a superhero called Birdman on the big screen. Resisting the calls for a fourth installment of the superhero franchise, he instead puts his literal heart and soul into a Broadway adaptation of a Raymond Carver short story - something that has never been attempted on stage before.

We see throughout the movie Keaton's character (Riggan Thomson) struggle with the voice of his superhero alter ego who lambasts him for attempting to make something credibly artistic. Then it came to me with cohesion and clarity. In making this delightful, jauntily downbeat movie the creative people involved were not trying to mock the Superhero franchise machine at all. They were, in fact, raising some valid and interesting questions about these movies in the process and the journey:

Why are they not taken seriously as 'art'? If they were, then Riggan wouldn't feel so unfulfilled as an actor and be driven to prove himself as a serious artist by trying to woo the Broadway inner circle of critics and theatre goers. Or, maybe, that is not the real reason he is producing the play at all. At certain points throughout the movie he references a note left to him on a cocktail napkin by Raymond Carver which the author wrote after coming to see him in a school play. He cites it as inspiration and is mocked for it by Mike Shiner (Edward Norton); the golden boy of Broadway whose method acting skills Riggan sees as the answer to how he can get the play to be taken more seriously. Shiner points out that Carver left the note on a cocktail napkin so he was probably drunk. But we know this isn't the truth anyway when it comes to his real motivation for the play.

The truth lies in the moments of magic realism littered throughout the movie which build in intensity until Riggan reaches a point where he realises that he doesn't have to prove himself to anybody. These wonderful moments of fantasy where his Birdman persona speaks through him and he finds himself performing telekinetic tricks show us, elegantly how easy it is to let the myth of who you think you are become the dominant aspect of your personality and, ultimately, yourself. Myths are a part of us. They are part of our journey of life but they do not make us whole or even determine our deeper, abstract nature. They can hold a mirror to our innermost thoughts, feelings and fears which in Riggan's case causes him to rebel against and reject the myth of his Birdman persona. He rejects it because he knows Birdman does not define him. For years he had believed that the myth of Birdman had become so dominant, so powerful that he had come to believe that it defined who he was. But, in a moment of clarity where he realises he is artistically free to pursue his true desires he knows that this belief was a false manifestation of his ego. We see him meditate in an early scene of the movie (whilst also levitating, in a scene which reminded me of The Fountain) and his progression as a character and person allows him to see that the myth of Birdman's power and influence was really the shadow side of his swollen ego.

I don't want to discuss the ending of the movie in great detail as I believe it should be left as open to interpretation as the director clearly intended it to be. However, I have seen some interesting comments from observers who have suggested that much of the movie is in fact Riggan's dream as he lies on the beach recovering from a failed suicide attempt he references in a discussion with his ex-wife near the end of the movie. Whilst I do not agree with or adhere to this notion, it is an interesting one and does hold some credibility as there are some moments of magic realism in the film which could simply be seen as dream montages - the scene where is trying to find his way back into the theatre dressed only in his underpants, the flying sequence as he returns to the theatre after threatening to throw himself from a building; these are two such examples and characterised by some stunning cinematography which allows us to see several possibilities as Riggan's fantasy flows with beauty and fluidity into the world of the present and the painful.

Birdman is a movie which I believe warrants more than one viewing. It is rich with subtext, multiple layers of narrative space and its main character is burdened with the pain of cognitive dissonance. Yet it is not a depressing or downbeat movie to watch. In many ways its ending is full of joy, hope and liberation and it left this particular viewer touched at how its main characters journey had taken him through one which had started out being full of magic realism and mythical despair to ending with one that was touched with an abiding sense of magical realisation.

A Black Swan

So tired she was of life's great burden. She felt cursed by the morning light that fumbled and crept its way across an otherwise pitch black room until it lay curled up and undefeated on the edges of her bed like a harsh morsel of reality. It drove her to wake early and ponder how life had turned her down this path, made her feel so alone and breathless in an unstable world.

But as the sun rises, so does she, pulling the morning out of her hair - guiding him to school while avoiding the lost stares of vacant mothers in the playground. She believes in hope and wisdom, kindness and courage, compassion and truth. All these noble things will keep her alive, much longer than any celebration of science or medicine.

Thoughts rise and fall with a rainy afternoon. Moon beds and shiny surfaces, lost encounters in southern France. The touch of a lovers hand at dusk.

A black swan by the side of the lake. Alone.

She reaches out her hand to it and it reluctantly raises its head from its position buried in furtive sleep in its feathery shelter. It is curious, but not easily fooled. Her hand is tiny and child like, the merest crumb in her palm. The swan fetches it with disdain and quickly returns its head to rest with a silent sigh.

Black swan. I remember you. On lonely nights, your face is clear to me. On nights of passion, I fall asleep with my head tucked away like yours was.

A black swan. Alive and not dead but charged with the possibility of both.

How technology has degraded the way we communicate

No-one wants to hear this.
No-one wants to put their smartphones or tablets down long enough to give their distracted brains a respite. But, if you do, then you might want to wonder why we gave up so easily and became so enslaved by technology. Why are we so hopelessly dependent on communicating in such a sterile, soulless way? Are we so overwhelmed by our own smugness, our own cleverness that we have forgotten what makes us real and human?

I don't understand why the majority of people have embraced smartphone and tablet technology to the extent where they have become hopelessly preoccupied with the technological means of communication at the expense of everything else. Is this symptomatic of a culture that has become dumber by letting machines do their thinking for them while convincing themselves that they're clever because the technology they're using appears sophisticated?

These are all valid questions and I have been caught up in this way of thinking myself. It's ok. I'm clever. I work in technology. I am validated!

Only I know that validation comes from within, it is not defined by external states or circumstances. I don't need to convince myself of this anymore. I know it to be true.

Something I have been very concerned about is the way in which the internet appears to have changed my memory and ability to recall things. Pre-internet we relied on books to furnish us with knowledge or passed knowledge amongst our peers and family from traditional media sources and word of mouth. It has been argued that since the internet has become such a pervasive and accepted part of our everyday life, there is less of a need to recall specific pieces of information as it can be readily pulled from the vast reservoir of information that is the world wide web. The result of this is that our brains can become lazy as we convince ourselves that we don't need to recall certain facts anymore. I guess this is the area I am most concerned about as could it also have a knock on effect and mean that we don't recall important things that influence our daily lives as well?

Taking this a step further, will technology make us more lazy in our general communication as well? Already there are signs that this is happening as quality friend and family time spent chatting is replaced by x number of people sat around a table in silence staring at an LED slab. To me this is a pretty disturbing trend and yet, more disturbing, is how socially acceptable it seems to have become. Why aren't more people challenging it? Well, maybe they are starting to in cultural and artistic circles as the following example illustrates:

http://www.artthesystem.com/2013/12/after-i-saw-this-i-put-down-my-phone.html

In the meantime, I believe it would be a lot healthier if we challenged the rampant advancements in communication technology in terms of its effects on how we communicate because, if we don't, then I'm concerned as to where we might end up.

One day at a time - recovery from heroin addiction

I'm 35 days clean from heroin at the time of writing this blog post which feels like a mini miracle. It's a miracle I'm profoundly grateful for. I have had challenges in those 35 days and they include addictive patterns of thinking that have led me to speculate as to whether I could use replacement drugs to keep myself level. I haven't succumbed to these thoughts, however, and what keeps me from doing so is that I have asked for help from a higher power each time I've had those thoughts and every single time I have received an answer.

It's taken me a little while to realise that the "answer" I get isn't always a thought but more often than not it is a feeling - a sense of love and belonging. A sense that I am worth more and my life is not simply about giving in to self destructive impulses. The last time I had such an impulse and didn't give in to it, I sat down in the car and felt profoundly well and at peace. I can only attribute this to feeling the support and love of my higher power for making that decision.

There is always another choice when you feel the urge to take drugs. Even in the worst throes of addiction, someone can make that decision to do things differently. Opening yourself and surrendering is the first step. As adults, we do not like to admit that we cannot cope with an aspect of life as it can appear as a sign of weakness. But it's actually a sign of strength to ask for help. I've learned that in recovery.

If you are in the grip of addiction or recovering from addiction - keep hope and if you haven't done so already, open yourself up to help and support. There is a lot available and some of it is free.

Peace x

Waking the Dead: addiction and recovery

Winter is coming. I can feel it in the cold chill of the morning when I wake up for work and the last echoes of the night are clinging to the coat tails of morning. Sometimes when I wake up I feel a sense of unease or a physical symptom manifesting itself but then I say a gratitude prayer and give thanks that I'm not waking up dopesick or having to use just to drag my broken body out of bed.

I can taste food properly again but, most of all, I can taste my emotions. At first this is a frightening prospect as they tend to pinball around you bumping against the corners of your soul without any regard for whether you want them there or not. This is a blessing not a curse but if you're the sort of person who uses drugs to mask and hide your emotions, it's bound to come as a big shock.

Just recently I relapsed after 3 months clean and this had a devastating effect on my personal life, work life and involved an encounter with the law..again. In the words of my sponsor, I got past the "little fluffy clouds" stage where the relief of being clean began to pass into the cold reality of having to micro manage your life and addiction on a daily basis. Recognising what went wrong when you encounter a relapse is one thing but acting on it and putting things in place to prevent it happening again is another thing altogether.

For me, each relapse feels like a little fragment of my soul comes loose never to be seen again. I wonder how many pieces I can lose before I become unable to put myself back together again.

Sometimes your actions result in devastating consequences and the ripple is felt for a long time to come. Other times you fall over and pick yourself up again with not so much fuss. I know that once you start to isolate yourself and believe that the addiction voice is your voice. Well, that's the moment that things truly begin to unravel. And if you don't pick up the phone then relapse becomes more than just a thought but an inevitability.

But what happens when your sponsor isn't available and the feelings of wanting to use begin to cascade and feel like they are taking you over?

Let them.

Sorry, say that again?

Let them.

They are happening for a reason and the more you try to resist them and follow them then the more likely you are to build up the levels of frustration and anger that will make a relapse more than likely.

Yet, a strange thing happens when you sit and observe your thoughts rise and fall like your breath. You start to accept them for what they are. No more and no less. Advocates of mindfulness will know what I am talking about here.

It isn't easy to accept damaging thoughts when your cunning addict brain wants to act on them but one of the paths to recovery is discovering that you have a real choice when it comes to how to look after yourself. A question you might want to ask yourself when in the grip of consuming thoughts about recover is this: Will using drugs make things better for me?

The answer is a resounding "No".